6 Resons Tim Tebow is a Terrible Person

I was invited to do a guest bit for Fox News, so I figured I'd take on a sensitive issue. It's time somebody stood up to Tim Tebow and exposed the truth that the pro-Tebow media won't show you. So, here you go: 6 reasons Tim Tebow is a bad person.

First: He wears anti-Semitic eye-black. You don't call them 'Hebes', Tim. That's like you're grandad using 'Jap' in everyday convo. It just doesn't happen anymore, you racist.

Second: Tim Tebow is an agent of aggression, carrying out the white, western world's agenda by mutilating the genitals of indigenous populations in the pacific. I mean, c'mon, is it still 1855? Why don't you force children to run a diamond mine in Africa while you're at it, Cecil Rhodes.

Something like this

Third: He obviously does not understand the proper mechanics a real QB would use. Jumping? What are you, five years old? Loser. He's so overrated, but the spread option-media won't tell you that, will they?

Fourth: He never beat Auburn. That's right, 0-2 against the Tigers. And, we all know they're the true measuring stick of success. It's not the Heisman or the conference titles or the national titles, or the 11-1 record against your rivals, but Auburn. Obviously, OVER-rated.

Fifth: It is a fact that Tim Tebow, while he puts up a good-guy front, actually spends his time with known felons. That's right, Tebow hangs out with hardened criminals while talking about living a clean life. What a hypocrite.

Probably organizing an Aryan Nation riot

Sixth: He steals. Possession is 9/10ths of the law and that record was possessed by Herschel.

There. I hope this has opened your eyes. How can we allow such an awful person to garner so much praise? He's single-handedly destroying college football, and we're letting it happen. I just...it's just that...I love this sport so much, and...and seeing it brought down by someone like Tim Tebow...it's scary. We're losing our sport!

Sir, can you prove to us that you're not a pedophile?