Pony Express'd

I missed most of the Hawai'i Bowl, so I have to ask...what the fuck happened? Oh well, Merry Christmas, or, in honor of June Jones triumphant return to the islands: "Mele Kalikimaka, Bitches!" I did catch the end of the fourth, but it was already a James Ellroy-caliber murder scene by then; Noah Kaepernick was already halved, disemboweled, drained of blood and Kyle Pardon was in mid-face carve down in the ditch when I stumbled up...